I sit on my bed, expecting this to be my last time to ever do so. I study the space as if trying to remember every single minute detail. It’s an average-sized room, twin-sized bed, desk in the corner, my own painted canvases hanging on the wall. When I think of the space I think of crippling fear and hate. I think of all the hours I spent crying and praying in this room, and it’s not from my parents, both my moms are great. It’s in the fact that I’ve been living a lie my entire life. I’m starting to come undone, because of it. Enough is enough. Today is the day I have finally found my strength. I walk out to the living room, where my moms are sitting, watching tv on an oversized sectional couch. This pleasant setting is where the end of my life takes place.
“I can’t help how I feel!” I shout back at them full force. The angry welling up inside me to the point I may just lose control. But I’ve had enough! I stand with tightened fists.
“How could you do this to us? Where did we go so wrong in raising you?” Both my moms shout back at me. Fire in their eyes. At this moment they truly hate me. I am an abomination.
“I love him, and I don’t care if it’s wrong!” I respond with feet planted firmly on the ground expecting a physical fight, bracing for some kind of impact.
“What you’ve been doing is sick and against God!” Mom shouts at me, tears falling down her face. She’s letting go of me, she’s giving up.
“Go on, call me a gender traitor or a “breeder”, I don’t care,” I say, meaning it completely from the bottom of my heart.
“You are a gender traitor!” Momma C shouts at me, through anger and tears. Not even knowing how to react, just going purely off raw emotion.
“I can’t just change how I feel,” I shout in between gasps of catching my breath from the crying and the shouting.
Mom interjects, “We’ll send you somewhere. We’ll get you fixed.”
“I have tried!” I exclaim. “Don’t you think I’ve tried?”
“I have tried for years to change how I feel, to pray the straight away. But nothing has worked and If I keep on going this way, it will surely be sacrificing my life. I was born this way and I can’t change” I cry out, shouting my truth at the top of my lungs.
They look at me appalled. They look at me as if they don’t even know me at all.
“Being straight is a mental illness, and I will be dammed if you live that kind of life in my house!” Mom screams.
“I’m straight no matter what you say!” I can’t keep living this lie I scream back.
Mom steps up and smacks me across my face, and the impact stings.
“Get out of our house!” they scream, and I know they mean it.
I run-up to my room and away from the scene to pack up my things. No matter what they’ve done or said, I feel a sense of freedom and release. It feels so amazing to have this huge burden lifted off of me. I was so terrified to admit I was straight, I like boys, but it’s my truth. Believe me, I’ve tried so hard to change how I feel and who I am, but nothing has worked. I am fully convinced I was born this way and can’t be fixed.
I know that by being me, I will lose them, that they hate me. I step out of the door, phone in hand, ready to call him. Mom’s glaring at me, holding on to Momma C in an effort to comfort her and stop the crying. But she can’t be fixed either.
“H..ey,” I manage between gasps as my he, I mean my boyfriend, picks up the call.
I think, “Yes, that is exactly what he is to me.”
“Baby, what’s wrong? Where are you? He says frantically wanting more than anything to be with her to stop this pain.
“I’m at the park, at our place, please come get me,” I say, not really wanting to explain over the phone what just happened.
“Hang on! I will be right there!” He exclaims shuffling to race out the door.
“I love you,” I say as I hang up the phone.
“I love you, baby, I don’t care who knows. I’m on my way. I love you.” He says.
I attempt to get a hold of myself, as I survey my surroundings and try to focus on the green and beauty of the landscape and not on the final destruction of any relationship I could have with my moms. I am a disappointment, a waste.
“I’m here and I’m safe” I try to say to myself in an effort to calm down.
Outside it’s sunny and bright. The green grass from the open fields seems to go on forever in a glistening array. A soft breeze hit’s my face, giving me a slight reprieve from the sun’s rays. I walk over to the playground steps where he will be expecting me. This place is our place, but no one can know. Well, I guess not until just now. I know that if anyone ever saw us kissing, a boy and girl, we would be in grave danger, but I don’t even care. That’s not the world we live in. Being straight is not okay, but I feel him in my very soul and I can’t just ignore these feelings. I know as a woman I am supposed to have these feelings toward another girl, but something is wrong inside me, and that’s not how I feel.
Under these monkey bars, is where we first kissed, where we finally just let ourselves feel exactly how we feel. Right or wrong does not matter. I know they all say the opposite, but if God didn’t want me to feel like this, he wouldn’t have made me this way. That’s my truth. I know it will be dangerous to be with him, but we’re both ready to take the risk. People will talk about us living together, try and get us to admit the truth, so the next morning we will find our cars tagged with the words “fucking breeder” and the hateful message of “just die.” At work, I may be cornered and told they could “fix” me, make me “right.” But none of that matters, because how I feel about him is giving me all my strength. If we have to, we will just keep running until we’re safe.
The swings start to sway in this breeze as I calm my breathing and the last tear falls down my cheek. He comes running up to me, full speed.
“Baby are you okay? What happened? What did they do?” He asks, panicked and resolved to fight.
At first, I say nothing, instead falling into his embrace. I feel so incredibly safe.
“I told them,” I say.
“They know that I’m straight. They kicked me out. Mom slapped me,” I explain.
“Baby, baby, baby,” he says, raising my face to reach his gaze.
“I’m right here.” He says
And you’re going to be safe. I promise. I won’t let them, or anyone ever hurt you.” He says keeping my eyes on his until everything in the background fades.
I am here. I am with him. I am in love with him. And I am safe and warm wrapped in his loving embrace. Nothing has ever felt so natural, so great.
